Boundaries: Defining and Protecting 'Me'

    Welcome and welcome back! I'm so glad you've taken time to explore one of my all time favorite topics! In my opinion (and this is a blog, so that's okay), this is probably the most important topic. The key to stress management. The key to healthier relationships. The key to experiencing inner peace. Apparently lots of doors have the same lock. For real though, stick with me here and I hope you'll see how revolutionary this topic is.

The Concept

    Let's just start by defining the word. Simply stated, a boundary is a point of separation. It separates one thing from another. Imagine the boundary that separates North from South Korea. Heavily armed armed and guarded - no one comes in and no one goes out. No communication. No relationship. Now imagine the line between Maryland and Pennsylvania. If your GPS didn't say, "Welcome to Pennsylvania", would you even know you crossed over? There are different laws in the areas, and when you move from one to the other you have to change license plates and what not. But there is trade, movement, communication - there is a relationship. There is still a point of separation and it's not a free for all, but there is also sharing. Think about it though, Maryland is more vulnerable to an attack from Pennsylvania than North Korea is from South Korea, right? 

    This might seem far fetched, but it can be helpful to think of the openness of boundaries on a spectrum from "connected" to "protected". Here's the thing though, you have to have a level of separateness otherwise you might as well be the same thing! So, for the most part, a "healthy" boundary is one where we are protecting ourselves from harm, but still maintaining communication, sharing, and support with other people. I like the infographic below because it shows the spectrum. On one end you're totally enclosed, no one can touch you. But also, you don't have any support, friendship, love, or sharing. The other end you're like water - totally free flowing. At the mercy of the wind, waves, and moon cycle. Not able to have control over your own motions. 

        People are complicated though. We have all different kinds of relationships and each relationship looks different. Not only that, but you have different aspects of your personality. Some areas you might feel really strongly about and not open to suggestion, change, or compromise. That would be a rigid area for you in possibly an otherwise loose or healthy relationship. And that's okay. That's normal. If you didn't have any rigidity, then you'd be porous. A moderate (healthy) boundary is made up of some areas that are flexible and some areas that are rigid. 

    Let's say that you're a person who really values your religion. It's very important to you and a large part of who you are as a person. You typically worship on Sundays. Your friend who is not of the same religion wants you to do something with them on a Sunday morning. Being a person who is able to set and maintain boundaries, you decline stating that you do not give up your Sunday worship for anything less than an emergency. Boom. Boundary. You protected what was important to you. You showed yourself that what you care about is important, even if it's not what someone else wants. Other examples might be not taking responsibility for someone else's emotional reaction, not allowing people to physically touch you in certain ways or at certain times, not allowing your food to be eaten without permission, doing things that you enjoy even if others have labeled them "stupid" or "nerdy", or asking for help when you feel overwhelmed. 

    I like to think of boundaries in terms of expectations. I have certain expectations for myself and I have expectations for the behavior of others. I expect that you won't steal from me. That you won't hit or punch or otherwise physically hurt me. That you won't put me down or make me feel bad about myself. That you won't ask me to do things that you know I'm not comfortable with. That you'll allow me to have my own hobbies and spend time away from you. These are all expectations for a person with whom I would have any kind of relationship. Of course the expectations change by relationship, ie coworker, employer, client, friend, spouse, child, parent, rando on the street. 

    So how do you set boundaries? Step 1 - and this should come as no surprise - is self-awareness!! What are your expectations for other people's behavior? What are the things that are really important to you? Honestly, it can be hard to just sit down and make a list. Sometimes the best way is to just start to notice when you're going about your day. See, when a boundary gets violated or cross, we have a pretty predictable emotional response. Anger, frustration, resentment, fear, vulnerability, insecurity, disrespected, unheard, and/or betrayed. When you notice this feeling in yourself, ask yourself, 'what was my expectation of this person (or perhaps myself)?'

    Step 2 is communicating your boundary. We'll talk communication in more depth later because it's a pretty big subject, but suffice it to say for now that it's important to be clear and assertive with a sprinkle of 'open for discussion' as appropriate. Step 3 is actually having a commitment to follow through when you've communicated an expectation. Change is hard for anyone and there will be times that people violate your boundaries whether on purpose or not. Pick your battles. Decide what's really the most important to you. Step 4: have consequences. If you just let people continue to overstep the boundary you set - do you really have boundaries at all? It's like that pathetic little stick wall Donkey tried to make at the end of Shrek. Remember that rigidity equals protection. Maybe you need to distance yourself from someone physically or emotionally in order to protect yourself. 

Why It Matters

    The purpose of boundaries is protection. They allow us to be who we are, do the things we enjoy, and have relationships with other people. We need to feel like we are able to protect ourselves. Otherwise we live our lives feeling scared, taken advantage of, resentful, hurt, uncared for, chaotic, and unfulfilled. We need a degree of separation from other people and the environment, otherwise we leave ourselves emotional at the mercy of other people and the environment. We live in a society that is black and white, cold or hot, nice or mean, connected or distant. The hard part about boundaries is that it is learning to strike a balance between to seemingly unconnected things. It's almost paradoxical. How can I have a better relationship by allowing myself some emotional distance from my partner?

    Well, I guess part of the answer is that boundaries allow you to be yourself. And maybe the sad part is, that it doesn't allow you to improve existing relationships. There may be people in your life who have benefited from you never saying no, allowing them to treat your poorly, or being their emotional punching bag. Those people are not going to like you setting boundaries because it's a change for them. But people who really care about you and want you to be the best you that you can be will support you. Even if it still uncomfortable for them at first. I would say our most valuable commodities are our time and energy. Yet these are the things that we often do not protect. Say no. Walk away. Do things you enjoy even if your partner is upset. You are allowed to be happy even if someone you care about isn't. Brene Brown used the mantra, "Choose discomfort over resentment". Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, but the alternative is living a resentful, chaotic, powerless life. The choice is yours.

Action Item

    I may start calling this section, 'cozy corner'. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and find a place that is safe, quiet, and comfortable. Get whatever you need to feel as cozy as you can - a blanket, a cup of coffee or tea, a pillow, or maybe just some comfy socks. Settle in. Pause for a moment here and let yourself just enjoy being comfortable in the space that you've created. Notice places in your body that feel relaxed, spacious, and light. Release any holding from your jaw, shoulders, or between your eyebrows. Let it go. This is your safe space. Come back to it whenever you need it. 

    Ready for the activity? Okay, so I've started planning a 'using art in therapy' so I thought I'd try out some art therapy-eque moves with y'all today. Here's the idea: Draw yourself with a boundary box around you. You can create yourself out of words that describe you if you're feeling artsy, or just put the words on the lines like I did. Next, on the inside of your boundary lines write words to describe how you want to feel in the relationship. In the spaces put the words that describe the give and take - the things that go both ways. With arrows going into your bubble write the behaviors that you'll tolerate and welcome. With arrows bouncing off your boundary lines write behaviors that you won't (or wish you didn't) tolerate in your life. Feel free to add/delete/change anything that you want - makes it yours!

Questions to Consider

• How do I know when a boundary is violated?
• Are my boundaries overly loose or overly rigid? How can I tell?
• What are my rigid points (the things I won't compromise on)?
• Who do I feel safe being vulnerable with?
• Who do I need be more rigid with for my own protection?
• How am I going to be more purposeful with my boundaries?