Improving Your Relationship through Conflict

 

    Welcome and welcome back! The title might sound a little counter-intuitive. It might even go against your beliefs about relationships and how they work. Conflict is a bad thing, right? That means we're arguing and angry. Conflict means our relationship isn't going well. Have no fear! Over the next couple of minutes, we're going on a roller coaster ride through false information about relationships and on to destination peace and harmony. 

The Concept

    Everything I talk about here is going to be directed at adult romantic relationships; however, the same principles can be applied with only slight modification to friendships, coworker relationships, family relationships, and so forth even down to your grocery store cashier. At its core, 'relationship' is just a word that means there is some type of connection between two things. According to Robert Sternberg, adult romantic relationships ideally consist of three things: passion (sex), commitment (I will put in effort and am invested in staying with you long-term), and intimacy (I trust you and will share vulnerable things with you). A relationship is two (or more) people in connection; therefore - and research supports this - the most critical foundation for a healthy relationship is being a healthy person. Personal well-being is actually a really accurate predictor for the well-being of a relationship. Relationship health also affects the individual's in the relationship (obviously, right?) but it is not as likely to be the cause of problems. Essentially, being unwell will probably damage your relationship, but problems in your relationship won't necessarily make you unwell. 

    Alright, let's get down to conflict. Every relationship has conflict. When you interact consistently with another person, have to make joint decisions, live with them, raise kids with them, etc. There is going to be conflict. Conflict simply means that the people involved are not in agreement about something, It is a state of disharmony, if you will. Oftentimes conflict is associated with anger, anxiety, defensiveness, domination, unkind words, manipulation, hurt feelings, and so forth. This is not necessary. These things are *not* inherent to conflict. Think about it. I bet there's a time that you disagree with someone about something and you were able to either compromise pleasantly or generate a new solution that was good for both of you. Consider this: the existence of conflict is not the problem. The problem is the way that people behavior during a conflict situation.

    The way that you and your partner interact during a conflict situation will make or break your relationship. Conflict interactions are the single most accurate predictor for whether or not your relationship will be long-lasting and satisfying. Challenges are a natural part of life. When challenges come up, do you feel like it's you versus your partner or do you feel like it's your and your partner versus the challenge? Some positive conflict behaviors include: kindness, compromise, open-communication, honesty, nonjudgment, and open-mindedness. Negative (harmful) behaviors include: defensiveness, domination, stonewalling (dis-engaging/shutting down), criticism, and contempt. John and Julie Gottman have a system of observing conflict discussions (looking for the things I just mentioned) and can predict divorce with 98% accuracy. 

Why It Matters

    Most of us either will be or already are in romantic relationships. There's cultural expectations and biological drives. It's just part of our life script. Romantic relationships are all but inevitable. Conflict is inevitable. I don't want you to suffer. Romantic partnerships can be a beautiful thing. We can feel loved, valued, supported. We can feel seen, accepted, and appreciated. We can also feel hurt, taken for granted, disregarded, and alone. A lot of that comes down to how you and your partner handle conflict. So let's see what we can do to set our relationships up for supportive and loving conflict.

    First, it is absolutely critical to monitor your stress level. The moment you feel yourself getting heated. Stop the conversation. Nothing helpful happens when your anxious. No helpful problem solving happens when you're stressed or angry. The situation will escalate. It's likely things will be said that are hurtful. You *must* be willing to pause or walk away from an interaction that is heating up. Take some time to relax (you can do this along or with your partner if they're on board). Here's the next important part: when you walk away, do not continue to stew on the conflict. Imagine yourself like a pot of water. The conflict, the stove, became heated and so did you. You must turn off the conflict and let the water cool. Go for a calming walk and listen to the wind. Pray for guidance, clarity, and kindness. Do a guided meditation, a progressive muscle relaxation or body scan might be a good choice.

    Okay, so let's imagine that you and your partner are in disagreement about where to spend a holiday. The conversation became heated, and you took a pause. Together, you listened to a guided relaxation. Now you are both feeling calm. Some things to keep in mind: keep it goal-oriented. The purpose of this conflict is to decide how to spend the holiday. It's easy to get sidetracked by whose family is more supportive, who likes who better, who owes who what. All irrelevant. It's like a train getting derailed. It doesn't go anywhere, it just crashes and people get hurt. Your partner is not the enemy. Your partner is your ally. Together, you two are working to solve a problem. What's more important - getting what you want or maintaining a good relationship with your partner? I'm not suggesting that you always let them get their way (that's not how you maintain a good relationship anyway). What I am suggesting is that the relationship is the priority, and hurting your partner to get your way in a conflict is a short-sighted strategy. Remember, relaxation is not a one-and-done exercise. You may need to do this several times before the conflict is resolved, and that's okay. 

    You might notice that I've focused WAY more on relaxation than any problem-solving or communication method. That's because it's more important. When you get worked up (angry, hurt, stressed, sad, etc), the parts of your brain responsible for problem-solving literally go offline. When your brain labels something as dangerous or an attack then it goes immediately into protection mode. It's so important to help your brain learn that conflict is not dangerous. Your partner is safe. A disagreement with your partner is not dangerous. It's an opportunity for feeling supported and heard. It's an opportunity for creativity and collaboration. This is only possible when you're calm. Pretending to be calm is not an acceptable solution for actually being calm. Lying to your partner to hide or downplay your emotional reactions is more harmful to your relationship and the situation than actually being honest about how hurt, angry, or worried you're feeling. Just something to keep in mind.

Action Item

Find yourself in a quiet, comfortable space. Grab a pen and paper. Write a contract for how you and your partner will behave during a conflict. Reflect on the words that you would like to use and the most important behaviors for you. You may choose to share this practice with your partner or keep it as your own private reminder for how you'd like to behave during conflict. Remember, this practice takes time.

Questions to Consider

• On a scale of 1 (Buddhist monk) to 10 (erupting volcano) - how peaceful are our conflicts typically?
• What are the most commons areas of conflict in my relationship?
• What are the most explosive areas of conflict in my relationship?
• Am I willing to think about these things in a different way?
• How can I be more creative about solutions during conflict?