Improving Your Relationship through Conflict (Part 2)

        

 

Welcome and welcome back! A few weeks ago I published 'Improving Your Relationship through Conflict' and it just didn't feel complete, so I wanted to go back and revisit a few things. I encourage you to check out the original if you haven't, but here's a few things to note: the way you and your partner interact during conflict affects your entire relationship; your personal well-being affects the well-being of your relationship (and vice versa); and the most important things to remember during a conflict are to prioritize loving kindness for yourself and your partner and to stay relaxed. Essentially, it boils down to a spinoff of Winston Churchill's famous saying, 'keep calm and be kind to yourself and others'. That's all true. Now I want to get a little more specific about some important behaviors during conflict and why it matters. 

The Concept

There is a scale specifically designed to measure the presence of a variety of behaviors that are common during conflict. The Romantic Partner Conflict Scale not only measures these behaviors, but the associated research also explored whether each of the behaviors was most likely to be paired with relationship benefits or problems. Basically, is this behavior good or bad for the health of the relationship? There are 6 behaviors and a bonus that are important to discuss here. The six are from the scale that I mentioned, the bonus tip is from the Gottman research that I mentioned last time.

Compromise: This is the only behavior out of the six that is clearly, consistently, and obviously connected with relationship benefits. Compromise exists when partners are willing to listen to each other openly, change the way they are thinking about a situation and solutions, and prioritize peace over outcome. During compromise, partners take turns sharing and listening so that everyone's opinion is valued and becomes part of the decision-making process. Compromise is marked by open-communication and sacrificing outcomes for the sake of the relationship. (Side note: if the conflict is based on a strongly held belief or value then compromise is not always an available option, so the conflict must be handled in another way).

Domination: It probably won't be surprising that domination is consistently and clearly associated with problems in the relationship. Domination exists when one partner tries to get their way regardless of the other partner's thoughts and feelings. Domination does not have to be associated with meanness or anger. It can simply be a partner saying, "I'm doing this and you can't do anything about it". This results in partners not feeling heard, appreciated, or valued which is just as damaging to a relationship as unkind words. Relationships are not a power struggle. Conflict does not exist with a different rulebook on how to be a good partner. 

Submission: This one gets a little tricky. 'Submission' is kind of a loaded word and a lot of people have very strong feelings (for and against) about submission in a romantic partnership. Here's what the research says: it depends. Context matters here. If you're partner is stressed, sick, or feels really strongly about something, it might be better for the relationship to 'give in' and let your partner have their way. Sometimes peace keeping is beneficial. Sometimes it's better to let something be. It's like my mom always says, 'is this the hill you want to die on?' If something is important to you - stand up for yourself. Also - submission often exists in relationships with a dominating partner. This is an entirely different discussion than when two equals exist in a relationship and each takes turns submitting based on the needs of the other.

Emotional Reactivity: Remember how I said that a person's emotional well-being predicts their relationship well-being? That's important here. Emotional reactivity is basically a person's ability (or inability) to manage their own emotions and reactions. The more emotionally reactive you are, the more problems it causes for your relationship. Not a judgment statement, just a fact. Sometimes people say things and we get angry, defensive, hurt, or sad. That's normal. Emotional reactivity means that the emotions are really intense and might even get labeled as 'over-reacting'. Conflict is already a really difficult emotional situation, so it's pretty common for people to 'lose it' or act impulsively during conflict. That's how things get heated, people say things they don't mean, feelings get hurt, and conflicts don't get resolved. Managing emotions effectively is a really important part of managing and resolving conflicts in a way that brings you and your partner closer together.

Avoidance: Conflict is dangerous to the relationship, right? So no conflict means no danger, right? Ah. If only it were so simple. Sure, conflict poses a risk for danger because when it's mishandled by partners it causes problems. It's also inevitable. You cannot avoid all dangerous things. Your brain tells you can, but you can't. Some danger has to be faced. This is where trust comes in. A healthy relationship is one where you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner. You might not feel safe while you're sharing, but that's just because vulnerability is scary. Your sense of safety allows you to do things that make you vulnerable - like bringing up something that might cause a conflict. Conflicts fall into 3 categories: immediate relationship termination, needs resolution through discussion with partner, or I can live with it. It's really easy to fall into the trap of wanting to avoid conflict, but then getting resentful. Resentment will kill your relationship just as easily as conflict. All of this is true, and avoidance is sometimes a good thing (temporarily!). If you or your partner are not in a place to be able to manage and resolve the conflict appropriately, then avoidance may be a beneficial option. Not permanently, just until you both are in a good space to approach it in a supportive way. Maybe you decide to call a pause on an argument so you can enjoy dinner together or a walk in the park. Then, once you've reminded yourselves how great it is to be together, you can go back to the conflict with fresh eyes and hearts full of love.

Separation: Just like submission and avoidance, separation is not black or white. It depends on context. In my first post on conflict, I strongly encouraged separation for a period of time to relax and refocus. I stand by that. Separation can also be harmful if partners do not use the separation wisely and with intention. Separation has a purpose: to de-escalate the situation. Separation is a temporary pause, not a permanent solution. Separation is not resolution. It can be tempting to want to separate then come back together and pretend like nothing happened. This is the recipe for resentment and frequent or intense conflicts. Behaviors are tools. Use them wisely.

BONUS: Humor! If you're anything like my former self, it's really hard to appreciate humor in the middle of a conflict situation. You're trying to be serious and your partner cracks a joke. I guess it just feels like they're trying to avoid the discussion or that they're not taking it seriously. What if that's not why they're doing it? What if they're trying to lighten the mood? The Gottman's use the term 'repair' for any behavior that de-escalates a situation or reduces the negativity. Are you able to see humor as your partner's attempt to repair a situation? Maybe you two need a laugh together to get in the right headspace for a resolution.

Why It Matters

All relationships have conflict. People have feelings, stress, beliefs, values, and expectations. If you spend enough time with anyone there will be something that comes up that causes some friction. The solution is not to avoid these situations or pretend like they don't happen. Conflict is honestly one of the best opportunities for you and your partner to show each other meaningful support, encouragement, positive regard, affection, and open-mindedness. Imagine your partner says something off-handedly that hurts your feelings. You say to them, 'hey, that really didn't feel good when you said that. Please don't do that again'. Scenario 1: Your partner responds with, 'wow, sensitive today aren't you? You'll get over it.' Scenario 2: Your partners responds with, 'You are absolutely right. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry, I won't do that again.' and then they actually don't do it again. 

Conflict is scary because it can go badly and be really hurtful. Conflict is going to happen. Your (and your partner's) skillfulness during conflict are really important. The only way to build a skill is through practice. You are going to make mistakes. You are allowed to ask for do-overs. You have permission to mess up. You are human. Every relationship is imperfect people in an imperfect relationship. That's different than being in a relationship that is damaging and/or abusive. All of the above is assuming that you are in a relationship with a safe albeit imperfect person. Everything is a learning experience. Remember, you're not doing it alone. You have a partner.

Action Item

Below is the Gottman Repair Checklist. Take some time to review the list and consider how you might use each in conversations with your partner. Let yourself feel completely relaxed and available. Breathe fully. Invite a few into your heart and trust that, with time and practice, you will be able to use these to help yourself feel heard and help your partner feel supported.

Questions to Consider

• What are 3-5 phrases I want to carry with me to use during conflict?
• What behaviors are most present during our conflicts?
• What behavior is the most important for me to monitor during conflict?
• How can I support myself and my partner to have more productive and supportive conflict?
• What beliefs related to conflict would it be helpful to change?