An Ode to Emotions

    Welcome new folks, and welcome back returning folks. I wanted to dedicate some time and energy to talking specifically about emotions. You may have noticed in my post about mental health that I did not really include emotions as a symptom for any particular disorder. That was intentional. As humans, we experience a full range of emotions. That is healthy. That is normal - albeit uncomfortable. So let's talk about emotions.

The Concept:

    Let's just start with the obvious. Emotions are hard. They're confusing. They're overwhelming. And a lot of times they're uncomfortable. But what are emotions? This may sound strange, but an emotion is a label for a state of mental and physical being. First, let's separate emotions from feelings using the example of sadness. So let's say you're feeling sad. How do you know you're feeling sad? What is it that made you draw that conclusion? Maybe your body and/or your heart feels heavy, maybe you're tired or don't feel like doing anything, maybe you're crying, or perhaps you're curled up on the bed in fetal position clutching a blanket like a life raft. Those are feelings - body sensations. Usually we notice these first and it clues us in that something is going on - that we're "emotionally hooked" if you will (borrowed concept from Brene Brown who we'll talk about more later). 

    

    So we've got the feeling, then we've also got the mental state. Let's stay with sadness. Typically that might look like negative thoughts about yourself, your future, or the world. Maybe you're thinking back on painful memories, or allowing yourself to engage in negative self talk ('you're stupid', 'you're worthless', 'you're broken', 'why would anyone love you?', etc). It could also be an event, someone died, plans fell through, or you violated someone's trust. That's the mental state. Your emotions are basically your brain's diagnosis for your mental and physical experiences. The most important thing to note is Emotions are a reaction to events and thoughts. Let me say that one more time, Emotions are a reaction to events and thoughts. Basically, something happens, your brain makes a judgement about what that means for you and your life, and then your body reacts accordingly. The emotion word (happy, sad, angry, etc) is the label we use to describe the combination of mental and physical reactions. 

Why it matters:

    At this point, you might be saying to yourself, 'okay, Kira, I get it. But...so what?' Well, here's why it's important. 1. We spend a lot of time and energy trying to change our emotions because we're uncomfortable, but usually we don't even truly know what we're feeling. We just know we're uncomfortable and don't like it. Just like with mental health symptoms, if you don't understand what's going on, then you won't be able to change it effectively. Not to mention, we're very rarely ever just feeling one thing. We might have 10 different emotions swirling inside us and that can feel really overwhelming and make it hard to think clearly. Especially when we don't know what they are and it's just a swirling mass of confusion.

    2. A lot of this happens subconsciously, meaning that we are not actively aware of it until we train ourselves to look for and notice the thoughts and reactions. This usually leads to us being pretty hard on ourselves for "over reacting" or having emotions we "shouldn't". Taking time to understand what you're feeling and why can go a long way toward lessening your emotional turmoil. As a therapist (and also a person), I've noticed a lot of emotional struggle comes from trying to feel or not feel a certain way. Unfortunately, sometimes you're just going to feel the way you feel, so practice accepting yourself for who you are. 

    This next one may be the most important reason: 3. Notice above that we talked about situations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Know what we didn't talk about? Behavior. Emotions drive behavior. Think about it: you're sad, you don't want to feel sad, so you eat ice cream because that usually makes you happy. You're feeling resentful because your husband never puts his cup in the dishwasher so you make a sly comment about how far the dishwasher is from the sink. Emotionally driven behavior can be very dangerous personally and for relationships. Developing insight and awareness of emotions helps us make more informed choices about our behaviors.  

Action Item:

    How do you get good at identifying emotions? The same way you improve at anything - Practice. Take a pen, pencil, or quill and ink; and a piece of paper. Find a spot that's cozy and private. You can do this one of two ways: Write I am...and then list any and every emotion that you notice, or you can write each on as an individual sentence "I am angry" "I am resentful" "I am feeling abandoned". Or whatever variation of this that you like. You can do it when you're feeling good or when you feel a lot of uncomfortable emotions start to swirl. The key to this is no judgement. Every emotion is okay. Every emotion is valid. You feel what you feel for a reason. Every emotion is a part of the human experience. What are you experiencing?

Questions to consider:

• Which emotions are the most difficult for me to feel?
• Where in my body do I feel this emotion?
• When I get overwhelmed by my emotions, what helps me feel settled again?